Forgiving
One of the most complex situations I have been navigating, especially the past few years, is forgiveness. Forgiveness is not an immediate response in most, as truly deep offenses are a process to forgive. Forgiveness is an action that is so powerful it has the ability to break down fortress walls that people have built up to protect themselves, it's a force so strong it also influences everyone in the world around us. Forgiving someone is difficult, and sometimes it feels downright impossible.
The impossible feeling comes when we don't get that apology. We don't get the acknowledgement that someone has detrimentally affected our life. I've had some of the most atrocious things happen to me by other people. Most never apologized. Each situation changed who I was, and it took a lot of work to get back to being ME. The me after each of these circumstances was forever changed, sometimes wiser, sometimes stronger, sometimes bitter. I'm not perfect. I wont sit here and tell you roses are red and the sky is blue and so you need to forgive everyone too. Nope, that's not me.
I will tell you though, it is POSSIBLE. It is possible to forgive those, who we feel don't deserve our forgiveness. It is possible to get past the pain, anger, frustration, and depression that stems from other people's horrible decisions in our life. I've had people ask me how the heck I can forgive someone who raped me or molested me? Someone else who abandoned me? Someone who cheated on me? Someone who accused me of things that never happened? That hurt my kids? Gossip that was spread that destroyed relationships that was not true. False promises. etc. Each of these people cut me in such a way that I didn't think in that moment I would ever get over the pain. We hear sermons on forgiveness and think, " I forgive people". Then someone pops into our mind.....instantly the blood pressure goes up, we get flushed, and feel heat emanating from our body. "Oh no God, what they have done no one could forgive"...I've even said to God. Then God gently reminds me of my short comings in life, of moments I may not even have realized until just now the negative impact of my decisions may have had. So God does a gut check with me. Gosh it hurts.
It hurts when God gut checks me and I realize I could have done something different and gotten a different outcome through having more grace or maybe even a simple misunderstanding. When I talk with God I get the sense that these are all lessons, and one day will even be sermons. I dare say, I've had this vision from God for years that one day I would preach. How can I in good faith do that with unforgiveness in my heart? I've learned through many situations that forgiveness is not a feeling, its a decision.
Forgiveness is an act of obedience, it is not a feeling. I didn't FEEL like forgiving a lot of people for things, but I knew in my heart I had to. For some it was about my sanity, and becoming spiritually fit. For other situations it was only because it was the right thing to do. God in all of his mighty power knows in order for us to forgive someone we have to completely surrender our FEELINGS.
Feelings....those things that creep in....and can take over...and cloud our judgement for a long time if we let those seeds get planted in our heart and mind. When unforgiveness takes roots, anger, bitterness come and fill the soil around it. Have you ever met someone so bitter you wondered what had to have happened in their life that made them so miserable? I have. It makes me sad and I never want to become one of those people. I want people to see God in me. I want Gods love and peace to surround my family. I want to inspire people to be stronger and grateful for the people in their life. I've had moments where I had to work out bitterness from my heart. Surrendering that to God, and asking Him to help me overcome the anger is one of the hardest things to do. We think surrendering is a weakness but when we surrender to God we are actually doing the strongest thing someone can do.
So how did I get to the point where I could say I forgive them....first I had to forgive myself. I had to forgive the bad thoughts I may have had toward them. I had to forgive myself for thinking some of this was my fault when it clearly wasn't. I had to forgive myself in moments of anger for saying things I shouldn't have said. When we forgive ourselves first we then open up the healing to take place. We can forgive anyone all day, but if we are sitting there beating ourselves up, well we wont have much healing taking place. Self reflection is different than just beating yourself up. How do you know the difference? Gut checks will make you feel convicted, but also give you insight in changing something in your life. Sitting around beating our self up only feeds the negative roller coaster in our minds and doesn't allow our bodies, to rest, relax, or heal anything.
Next we need to grieve the circumstance. When I was raped I carried so much anger towards myself, for being so naive. It was never my fault but I made it my fault. There was a support group night that broke that chain that showed me it was never my fault. When my mom passed away in a horrible situation I carried so much guilt and shame. None of it was my fault and I had done everything I could but still the guilt plagued me for over a year, every night anxiety filled my heart and mind. Its been almost 2 years and it still tries to creep in, but I take those thoughts captive and replace them with truth. I DID EVERYTHING I COULD. I love people without ceasing, and am loyal to a fault; sometimes to my own detriment. So I've had to learn I cant help everyone and sometimes letting go of people allows them to help themselves and sometimes it doesn't. When I was finally able to grieve multiple traumatic experiences including my moms death, I was one step closer to total forgiveness. To me, forgiveness is not a one and done scenario. Its something we have to do multiple times.
Each time the thoughts, memories, or circumstances try to creep back into your mind, you have to make a conscious decision to say, nope I have forgiven myself and I have forgiven them. There's more...you may not like this one...
Doing something good for someone who was not good to you may promote emotional healing.
Wow...so I know this may not be what you want to hear. At times this is one of the hardest things to do when that person has wronged you and you don't think they deserve jack diddly squat. In some circumstances though its necessary. Its necessary to break the chain of power this circumstance has over your life. Breaking the hold over your life will give you momentum to be able to forgive the person and move on with healing.
Forgiveness is a gift....but its not the other person who gets the gift, its us. When we forgive people who hurt us, we are essentially taking the gift saying that it no longer controls our feelings. We break off the power it has, and ultimately empower ourselves to heal and venture into new beginnings.
Jesus makes the point very clear that unless we forgive others, our Father in heaven will not forgive us. (Matthew 6:14-15, Mark 11:25)
New beginnings are found through healing of our past, forgiving those who hurt us, and having a vision for better days. Allowing God to minister to all the broken parts of us and going to counseling if need be, to get past the past. A lot of times we get stuck in the past...and cant move on to a better future until we address that box we locked away and refuse to get rid of. The box needs to go. Pulling out the closet boxes and going through each thing enables true forgiveness and true peace in our life.
Also please note that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. It can sometimes mean you can reconcile, but it most def does not equal that in many circumstances. Allowing abusive people back into your life isn't healthy, and will inevitably lead you back to where you started. So, boundaries....boundaries are our friend.
I believe everyone who forgives people is a hero. Its a heroic act to fight past our feelings, and say, " I forgive them", just like Jesus did for us. It then releases that person to God so He can deal with them. So today to anyone who reads this, I pray your heart is whole, with no unforgiveness. I pray freedom over your life, that God would show himself faithful in this area of your life. I pray you have the strength to break off strongholds that are trying to keep you bound up. I pray for people to come into your life and speak the words you need to hear whether you want to hear them or not.
<3 Christina
The impossible feeling comes when we don't get that apology. We don't get the acknowledgement that someone has detrimentally affected our life. I've had some of the most atrocious things happen to me by other people. Most never apologized. Each situation changed who I was, and it took a lot of work to get back to being ME. The me after each of these circumstances was forever changed, sometimes wiser, sometimes stronger, sometimes bitter. I'm not perfect. I wont sit here and tell you roses are red and the sky is blue and so you need to forgive everyone too. Nope, that's not me.
I will tell you though, it is POSSIBLE. It is possible to forgive those, who we feel don't deserve our forgiveness. It is possible to get past the pain, anger, frustration, and depression that stems from other people's horrible decisions in our life. I've had people ask me how the heck I can forgive someone who raped me or molested me? Someone else who abandoned me? Someone who cheated on me? Someone who accused me of things that never happened? That hurt my kids? Gossip that was spread that destroyed relationships that was not true. False promises. etc. Each of these people cut me in such a way that I didn't think in that moment I would ever get over the pain. We hear sermons on forgiveness and think, " I forgive people". Then someone pops into our mind.....instantly the blood pressure goes up, we get flushed, and feel heat emanating from our body. "Oh no God, what they have done no one could forgive"...I've even said to God. Then God gently reminds me of my short comings in life, of moments I may not even have realized until just now the negative impact of my decisions may have had. So God does a gut check with me. Gosh it hurts.
It hurts when God gut checks me and I realize I could have done something different and gotten a different outcome through having more grace or maybe even a simple misunderstanding. When I talk with God I get the sense that these are all lessons, and one day will even be sermons. I dare say, I've had this vision from God for years that one day I would preach. How can I in good faith do that with unforgiveness in my heart? I've learned through many situations that forgiveness is not a feeling, its a decision.
Forgiveness is an act of obedience, it is not a feeling. I didn't FEEL like forgiving a lot of people for things, but I knew in my heart I had to. For some it was about my sanity, and becoming spiritually fit. For other situations it was only because it was the right thing to do. God in all of his mighty power knows in order for us to forgive someone we have to completely surrender our FEELINGS.
Feelings....those things that creep in....and can take over...and cloud our judgement for a long time if we let those seeds get planted in our heart and mind. When unforgiveness takes roots, anger, bitterness come and fill the soil around it. Have you ever met someone so bitter you wondered what had to have happened in their life that made them so miserable? I have. It makes me sad and I never want to become one of those people. I want people to see God in me. I want Gods love and peace to surround my family. I want to inspire people to be stronger and grateful for the people in their life. I've had moments where I had to work out bitterness from my heart. Surrendering that to God, and asking Him to help me overcome the anger is one of the hardest things to do. We think surrendering is a weakness but when we surrender to God we are actually doing the strongest thing someone can do.
So how did I get to the point where I could say I forgive them....first I had to forgive myself. I had to forgive the bad thoughts I may have had toward them. I had to forgive myself for thinking some of this was my fault when it clearly wasn't. I had to forgive myself in moments of anger for saying things I shouldn't have said. When we forgive ourselves first we then open up the healing to take place. We can forgive anyone all day, but if we are sitting there beating ourselves up, well we wont have much healing taking place. Self reflection is different than just beating yourself up. How do you know the difference? Gut checks will make you feel convicted, but also give you insight in changing something in your life. Sitting around beating our self up only feeds the negative roller coaster in our minds and doesn't allow our bodies, to rest, relax, or heal anything.
Next we need to grieve the circumstance. When I was raped I carried so much anger towards myself, for being so naive. It was never my fault but I made it my fault. There was a support group night that broke that chain that showed me it was never my fault. When my mom passed away in a horrible situation I carried so much guilt and shame. None of it was my fault and I had done everything I could but still the guilt plagued me for over a year, every night anxiety filled my heart and mind. Its been almost 2 years and it still tries to creep in, but I take those thoughts captive and replace them with truth. I DID EVERYTHING I COULD. I love people without ceasing, and am loyal to a fault; sometimes to my own detriment. So I've had to learn I cant help everyone and sometimes letting go of people allows them to help themselves and sometimes it doesn't. When I was finally able to grieve multiple traumatic experiences including my moms death, I was one step closer to total forgiveness. To me, forgiveness is not a one and done scenario. Its something we have to do multiple times.
Each time the thoughts, memories, or circumstances try to creep back into your mind, you have to make a conscious decision to say, nope I have forgiven myself and I have forgiven them. There's more...you may not like this one...
Doing something good for someone who was not good to you may promote emotional healing.
Wow...so I know this may not be what you want to hear. At times this is one of the hardest things to do when that person has wronged you and you don't think they deserve jack diddly squat. In some circumstances though its necessary. Its necessary to break the chain of power this circumstance has over your life. Breaking the hold over your life will give you momentum to be able to forgive the person and move on with healing.
Forgiveness is a gift....but its not the other person who gets the gift, its us. When we forgive people who hurt us, we are essentially taking the gift saying that it no longer controls our feelings. We break off the power it has, and ultimately empower ourselves to heal and venture into new beginnings.
Jesus makes the point very clear that unless we forgive others, our Father in heaven will not forgive us. (Matthew 6:14-15, Mark 11:25)
New beginnings are found through healing of our past, forgiving those who hurt us, and having a vision for better days. Allowing God to minister to all the broken parts of us and going to counseling if need be, to get past the past. A lot of times we get stuck in the past...and cant move on to a better future until we address that box we locked away and refuse to get rid of. The box needs to go. Pulling out the closet boxes and going through each thing enables true forgiveness and true peace in our life.
Also please note that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. It can sometimes mean you can reconcile, but it most def does not equal that in many circumstances. Allowing abusive people back into your life isn't healthy, and will inevitably lead you back to where you started. So, boundaries....boundaries are our friend.
I believe everyone who forgives people is a hero. Its a heroic act to fight past our feelings, and say, " I forgive them", just like Jesus did for us. It then releases that person to God so He can deal with them. So today to anyone who reads this, I pray your heart is whole, with no unforgiveness. I pray freedom over your life, that God would show himself faithful in this area of your life. I pray you have the strength to break off strongholds that are trying to keep you bound up. I pray for people to come into your life and speak the words you need to hear whether you want to hear them or not.
<3 Christina
Comments
Post a Comment