I Give Up

A moment of clarity… I've made it and I GIVE UP

I received the sweetest card the other day, thanking me for being an inspiration, and our whole family being a positive show of God’s love. It's been a long time since I feel like I've been able to write well thought out sentences, and put words into the feelings and emotions of daily life. I'm asked a lot “how I'm doing”, and most of the time I will respond with, “I'm still standing with God’s words that He is going to heal me”. Tonight I realized that God was speaking to my spirit. Sometimes I have to succumb to the fact that in some situations there just are NO words to explain. In these instances, a simple smile, hug, or laugh can transform a moment in time that would otherwise be too vast for human comprehension. I find that when I'm able to slow down enough God shows me a sign that He is watching, He loves me, and He cares. It's not always a big sign, sometimes it's the simple moments of simply being able to sit with my family and enjoy food or simply a card from the depths of our hearts. I just want to share more of my heart.

I need to take a moment and thank God. I am finally at a place in my health journey that I can truly say that I've made it and I give up. Not in the sense that most people look or think of what “giving up” means….Giving up to me means something completely different than most. Has my health gotten better- No, it definitely has not, however each battle has come with enough strength to fight. I've.” given up”, in a way, to hand over the reigns to God, let Him use me as I realize I've been being selfish. I have never in my life been called selfish but in this moment I realized that I have been selfish. I have been longing, pleading, and crying for God to change me, heal me, and mend every broken thing in me. Tonight I felt God reach down and remind me...I'm “perfectly broken” for my destiny on this earth. I don't need to be like everyone else. Each of us serve a purpose in this life. There were days when  I would hear the cliche “everything happens for a reason” and want to throat punch someone, but today I smile at the true of essence of what that actually means to me now. It is now 4am and I have two kids to get up with, an ultrasound scheduled, two houses that need to cleaned, boxes that need to be unloaded, rides I need to figure out, but I'm in too much pain to sleep.

Is it fair that I live in chronic pain and fight everyday for my life? No...is it fair that I have never been able to schedule regular mom dates, run on the beach, the zoo, the park with my kids? It's a treat, the simple everyday moments of life, that most moms take for granted, It is truly a treat if I make it to a park, let alone walk or run. For years, as I've opened my eyes, I have had to deal with the nagging, overwhelming spirit of defeat, anger, fear, and isolation...along with that never relenting wheel of why and how do I fix it?? WHY am I not healed? The stares and talks of over religious people who think people who are sick must “have hidden sin” or the side swiped person who tells me they wish they could stay home all day. I realize now that I can't fix “it” and pleading with God to do something that, may not happen on this earth,is just a waste of energy and time, so  happily, give up. These burdens were never mine alone to carry, It is always Jesus.

Going back to the saying of,” everything happens for a reason,”... I realized that God does use every situation for His glory. There are many, many times when my heart has broken over and over as people have revealed to me some of the most painful times in their life. I am beyond appreciative and humbled when  people trust me enough to expose those inner parts of their heart, sometimes for the very first time to another soul. It is those moments I know, God smiles, not because this person is telling me a terrible situation that occurred, but because It is being used for good. You see, many, I'd say just about every time this has happened, I have been able to say with confidence, “you can and will get through this and flourish through it” I've been there. I have been through many situations in this life that only God knows how I'm still here to speak to you. I am thankful that in these moments His spirit, His words of life and hope, speak through me to show someone else a hope that comes beyond the present pain. When we are in physical and emotional pain it can seriously whether your spirit. Physical pain is something that breaks people down like nothing else on this earth. It is used to get information from people and break people's spirits. Physical pain breaks down people emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Its why when someone is dealing with chronic illness it's important to do everything you can to know your triggers and balances of life.

I still feel guilty for not being able to push my boundaries out of the water sometimes, however I don't feel that knot in my stomach when I have to cancel plans. The right people who are close in my life understand that I will always want to attend functions, love on people, and laugh with everyone, but the times when I'm in bed physically unable to move, I beat myself up, which helps no one. For the longest time I beat myself up for not being stronger, healed, and whole. The truth is that none of us are healed and whole. That is why we all need Jesus. A relationship with Jesus is not a one time, I choose you God. It is a daily decision, much like marriage, to choose on the good days when we feel blessed, and on the worst days when we feel cursed. Choosing life,  I choose to follow you and love you with everything in me. That is why I have chosen to GIVE UP...Give up control, Give up expectations, Give up Longing for a life that I will never have.

To my friends who fight chronic battles, life is too short to be yearning for a life that we will never have. When  we get to a place that we can accept where we are and thank God for it, it's then I believe He can truly use us to the fullest of our potential. Until you Give UP you are missing out on the most freeing times of life...to live for today...not the what ifs of tomorrow but the present “this is my moment and I will make the best of it”. When we say, “God I don't like this but I love you, I know YOU got this and I give up my feelings of rights to my situation. When we respond with, “I give up wanting to  be someone who I am not. Help me to see who and why you made me. Allow the depths of my soul to be used in the fullest potential for your glory, to show that With you all things truly are possible and we are more than conquerors, we are OVERCOMERS!” When our attitude is that all the bad things in this life, can help someone later on, or each other in this moment, we will be filled with joy and strength for the day, maybe not the whole day, but at least this moment. This is why my motto is, “One day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time”. God will use you, me, and our influence to show His glory and strength. If I was completely healed, my testimony would be awesome yes, but His Strength is shown in my weakness and at the end of the day, that is what I live for. I live to bring hope, love, and strength through God who gives us strength.