A New year ahead, lets not take one day for granted

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The key to life is not changing for someone to like you, or for God to love you, instead it is changing because God loves . He transforms us from the inside and out. I sit in the hospital infusion center for the 150th something all day long infusion of medication. Yes, over 150 Iv infusions in just the past few years, not including surgeries, hospitalizations, IV antibiotics, fluids, or blood.  I have a nurse I've never had and I'm way past the time I start normally. They are short staffed so I will be here waiting for longer periods of time for her to come reconnect me to new drugs and give me IV push of benadryl every 2 hours to make sure I don't have any more allergic reactions. I ll get 8mg of Zofran every 4 hours to help control nausea. I also get Tylenol and migraine meds to control the debilitating migraines I get from the medication coursing through my veins for days. I still get lots of side effects, from this life saving treatment but the medications help to lessen them. I'm amazed when I look back at times  and I see the "footprints in the sand", where I didn't see God's plan but he had one. Even when there was delays in diagnosis, delay in treatment, what it taught me in the process was to rely solely on God, to pursue Him with everything in me. There were days, and still are days, I  try to change God...has anyone else tried to do this? "Hey God, you are doing it wrong", I think in my head. This is what you should be doing...I should be healed of all these diseases God, not getting worse. I should be going to bible college so I can help abuse victims. I should be able to go to the park and pool, and friend's houses with my kids and pursue running again, my favorite past time. But Alas, right now this is life....

Hooked up to the port in my chest I'm super sick today, and this is the last place on the planet I want to be. I'm listening to the ear deafening noise of countless beeps in my ear from the Iv pump going off all over the building.  I've been contemplating what the past several years have been teaching me. I'm one of those people that always tries to see a bigger picture. I'm a planner and a need to know person. Meaning, if I don't know an answer or solution to a dilemma, I wont stop until I discover one. I don't believe the words..."I do not know"...to me it's "I don't know right now, but I'm going to find out". This year many times I stopped to thank God for hardships  even when in the natural I didn't want to be thankful. But HE IS FAITHFUL, because many times I saw God working miracles in the midst of chaos. There are many that I still don't see a better future than this valley, but I know God has a plan and a purpose for it all. He never wastes a hurt. I'm always asking God to show me things, give me a hint as to WHY I have to do xyz, or wait, or repeat the same situations multiple times...pleaseeeee God tell me whyyyyyy. Now I know where my kids get it. ;)  Anyone else plead with God?

One day I found myself laying in bed tossing and turning. As I started praying for God to show me something, ANYTHING,  because I felt so alone in a circumstance with no end in sight.  I saw a vision of a hamster. As the truth behind the hamster wheel came to life to me I felt a sense of longing to get back to dreaming of new life, new hope. When I've been running around in the hamster wheel I find myself exhausted, stressed, and hopeless.... because I didn't actually GO anywhere. The wheel was spinning by my momentum, because I'm fixed in one position, both physically and mentally stuck on one circumstance. If I ran in the hamster wheel on the floor, in one of those spheres that's closed I can go FAR and fast too! Why? Because the covering , the sphere, is indicative of God. In his sphere of life, He will bring us to places we couldn't see or know about because we were stuck in one position staring or walking, but not really going anywhere. Beyond the view of our four walls there's another path waiting for us. Sometimes I can go beyond the walls while other times I can only dream about them. The key is to never stop dreaming and hoping, no matter what your now looks like.

Through all of my experiences; Ive had to learn to trust. Trust is one of the HARDEST things to do when you have been abused, abandoned etc. I've decided to be open about my health battles in more detail, to educate people on how the multiple conditions I fight daily have taught me many things over the years. I hope that through this more people will understand me better, and learn to be supportive of those in their world that are warriors, fighting, with all their might. It is my hope also that through my experiences others will find healing and a better life through a Dr, treatment, and/or faith. If you could ask me one question about autoimmune diseases, diet, faith, being a chronic illness warrior mom,  wife, etc what would it be? 

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