Bucket List
I'm laying in bed writing this to you, hoping someone somewhere will realize what a special gift life is. It is a treasure we so often lose focus of and turn our attention on negative circumstances instead of celebrating the positives in life. Health is one of those things people take for granted until it's threatened or completely stripped from you. For some it happens in the blink of an eye, for others it's gradual, and still others it is the only life they have ever known, fighting since they were little. I love how God made us all unique in our gifts and talents. My weakness is not the same as your weakness and vice versa. This indicates to me that God wants us to be thankful for our strengths, support someone else's strength, and marvel at how He gets us through our weaknesses. For me, I've been fighting for my health for so long, it's all I can remember, and its all my kids know. I couldn't tell you if I ever had a day without being in some kind of physical pain, that has just worsened as I've gotten older. "Mom is in the hospital again" or "mom is having another surgery" is what my kid's have grown up hearing constantly. "Honey I cant drive you anywhere anymore I can barely walk" is what they have heard. "DO you need me to call 911" is what they have asked..."no I'm just sick from treatments" is what I've had to answer. I've tried to shelter them for a long time from all of the truths of these diseases but it comes to the point that I couldn't anymore and fighting for my life, I have to be honest to give them knowledge of healing but also of medicine, and also of faith, even in debilitating horrible circumstances.
Battling this war for wellness for so many years I've gone through the grief process a couple times over. When you suffer from loss you have to process your grief. I tried to push mine aside, I learned to keep going and keep myself busy until I physically couldn't anymore. This is when God forced me to assess where I was in life. It was not pretty at all. There's two sticks on our bottom half that do more for us than we ever realize until they wont work. Our heart and lungs work hard without us even having to spend a waking second thinking about it. I never did, until I had to because I couldn't breathe and my heart wasn't working right. So I've spent the past 5 years especially grieving loss after loss, grieving for the life I dreamed and wanted, knowing it will never come to pass.
So the crazy thing about life is it changes in the blink of an eye while sometimes staying the same. My entire journey fighting for my health I've had to be my own advocate fighting with physician after physician to listen to me. The thing is when they do 98% of the time they find, I know whats wrong with me or I have a general idea, and I'm usually correct. The most important thing I always tell people is GET ANOTHER OPINION. Too many people take one doctor's words as coming from God himself. Ive had doctors diagnose me with this and that and I knew that's not what it was. If you don't have peace, dont give up. Too many times I've been told one thing and I get the lab or test results back, even pathology reports, that say something is seriously wrong that a Dr brushed aside or "lost" (yes they have lost my path before). Too many times I've had to argue for Dr's to do certain tests, that if they had not done them, and if I hadn't pushed that hard, I wouldn't be alive right now. So listen to your instinct, not the voice from webmd or google that says you have xyz, but listen to your body. If you have pain or something is notably changed go to the Dr and ask them their opinion and ask to do some basic labs. If it persists, so do you! If need be, get a 5th opinion, I've had 5 Rheumatologists before I was diagnosed correctly and 4 Gastroenterologists before they figured out I had celiac.
Through the years I've prayed that all of my conditions could be put into a single box, wrapped with a bright red bow and we would put them all in there, treat one thing and be done with it all. That has not been my journey. People do not understand all of the diseases I face, some they have never heard of. Better yet, I've prayed time and time and time and time again for God himself to heal me, as have many people. Why He hasn't healed me, I do not know. I do know though. that He has given me the strength and capacity, through my relationship with Christ, to keep battling when all looks hopeless and pointless. I do know He has brought me through the war one day at a time, and reminded me time and time again that this journey is a marathon, not a sprint. Ironically, I ran cross country growing up, and I was pretty good. But I haven't been able to run in 10 years, yes 10 and I'm only 33. I feel like Im constantly running a marathan that hasn't ended in over 10 years. Its a good thing I have long distance stamina, and quiting is not in my vocabulary. Have I felt like holing up in a corner and giving up many times, but I never have. I have two little girls looking up at me to see how I battle endless fights.
It is going to be over the course of several blog posts that I explain what is I'm battling, but for now I will say between damage and complications from Lupus/Mixed connective disease, and Common Variable Immune Deficiency I am fighting for my life. My heart is currently not pumping the way it should and my lungs are not able to push out air like they should causing trapping, my throat isn't able to swallow like it should due to some thing damaging my throat muscle along with multiple other things. Recently, my Drs sat me down and explained that I've been fighting for so long, and even though I eat healthy non processed, whole foods and drink lots of water, there is a level of truth that we need to bring to the table. The treatments and medications, although they have lengthened my life, are not a cure, they are a postponement or slow down of progression of disease. Therefore, I need to prepare my life so that God forbid we don't figure out whats going on right now and causing new problems that my children and husband have happy memories aside from hospitalizations and surgeries and sickness and pain. I will continue to use my essential oils that have helped me immensely with nausea and anxiety and immune support. As well as I will take the medication that has been working to help me all these years without adding anything else right now. While it pains me to even think about it, and we don't speak that, it is a reality we need to prepare for. This leads me to my bucket list....
In 18 months I will turn 35, This is my 35 things I Dream of doing before I turn 35! I'm super excited about this! So many things I've dreamed about that these diseases have kept at bay, but no more, I've decided I'm going to do them! To the best of my ability, even if its in a chair, or I have to be carried, my goal and prayer is to accomplish writing a check mark next to this bucket list! If you want to join me in these ventures I'd would be super excited to have you! If you know any discounts or secrets (related to bucket list not health) let me know.
Battling this war for wellness for so many years I've gone through the grief process a couple times over. When you suffer from loss you have to process your grief. I tried to push mine aside, I learned to keep going and keep myself busy until I physically couldn't anymore. This is when God forced me to assess where I was in life. It was not pretty at all. There's two sticks on our bottom half that do more for us than we ever realize until they wont work. Our heart and lungs work hard without us even having to spend a waking second thinking about it. I never did, until I had to because I couldn't breathe and my heart wasn't working right. So I've spent the past 5 years especially grieving loss after loss, grieving for the life I dreamed and wanted, knowing it will never come to pass.
So the crazy thing about life is it changes in the blink of an eye while sometimes staying the same. My entire journey fighting for my health I've had to be my own advocate fighting with physician after physician to listen to me. The thing is when they do 98% of the time they find, I know whats wrong with me or I have a general idea, and I'm usually correct. The most important thing I always tell people is GET ANOTHER OPINION. Too many people take one doctor's words as coming from God himself. Ive had doctors diagnose me with this and that and I knew that's not what it was. If you don't have peace, dont give up. Too many times I've been told one thing and I get the lab or test results back, even pathology reports, that say something is seriously wrong that a Dr brushed aside or "lost" (yes they have lost my path before). Too many times I've had to argue for Dr's to do certain tests, that if they had not done them, and if I hadn't pushed that hard, I wouldn't be alive right now. So listen to your instinct, not the voice from webmd or google that says you have xyz, but listen to your body. If you have pain or something is notably changed go to the Dr and ask them their opinion and ask to do some basic labs. If it persists, so do you! If need be, get a 5th opinion, I've had 5 Rheumatologists before I was diagnosed correctly and 4 Gastroenterologists before they figured out I had celiac.
Through the years I've prayed that all of my conditions could be put into a single box, wrapped with a bright red bow and we would put them all in there, treat one thing and be done with it all. That has not been my journey. People do not understand all of the diseases I face, some they have never heard of. Better yet, I've prayed time and time and time and time again for God himself to heal me, as have many people. Why He hasn't healed me, I do not know. I do know though. that He has given me the strength and capacity, through my relationship with Christ, to keep battling when all looks hopeless and pointless. I do know He has brought me through the war one day at a time, and reminded me time and time again that this journey is a marathon, not a sprint. Ironically, I ran cross country growing up, and I was pretty good. But I haven't been able to run in 10 years, yes 10 and I'm only 33. I feel like Im constantly running a marathan that hasn't ended in over 10 years. Its a good thing I have long distance stamina, and quiting is not in my vocabulary. Have I felt like holing up in a corner and giving up many times, but I never have. I have two little girls looking up at me to see how I battle endless fights.
It is going to be over the course of several blog posts that I explain what is I'm battling, but for now I will say between damage and complications from Lupus/Mixed connective disease, and Common Variable Immune Deficiency I am fighting for my life. My heart is currently not pumping the way it should and my lungs are not able to push out air like they should causing trapping, my throat isn't able to swallow like it should due to some thing damaging my throat muscle along with multiple other things. Recently, my Drs sat me down and explained that I've been fighting for so long, and even though I eat healthy non processed, whole foods and drink lots of water, there is a level of truth that we need to bring to the table. The treatments and medications, although they have lengthened my life, are not a cure, they are a postponement or slow down of progression of disease. Therefore, I need to prepare my life so that God forbid we don't figure out whats going on right now and causing new problems that my children and husband have happy memories aside from hospitalizations and surgeries and sickness and pain. I will continue to use my essential oils that have helped me immensely with nausea and anxiety and immune support. As well as I will take the medication that has been working to help me all these years without adding anything else right now. While it pains me to even think about it, and we don't speak that, it is a reality we need to prepare for. This leads me to my bucket list....
In 18 months I will turn 35, This is my 35 things I Dream of doing before I turn 35! I'm super excited about this! So many things I've dreamed about that these diseases have kept at bay, but no more, I've decided I'm going to do them! To the best of my ability, even if its in a chair, or I have to be carried, my goal and prayer is to accomplish writing a check mark next to this bucket list! If you want to join me in these ventures I'd would be super excited to have you! If you know any discounts or secrets (related to bucket list not health) let me know.
- Write a Book
- Go under a waterfall
- Lead a group for abused woman to get healing
- Go to Massanutten
- Take kids to Safari Zoo
- Give a homeless person a present and dinner
- See a Broadway play
- Go to Ireland
- Take kids to Niagara falls on Canada's side
- Go on a friend girl's only trip
- Go on a week long vacation with only my husband
- Catch up on all the past years photo books (shutterfly coupons ;) anyone)
- Go to Disney World at Christmas time
- Start learning photography
- Go surfing in Hawaii
- Swim with Dolphins
- Sing on stage
- Attend a "ball" ie Masked Ball
- Learn to play guitar
- Have a picnic with a real picnic basket while watching the sunset on a mountain
- Go horseback riding with the family
- Walk where Jesus walked
- Carve initials into a special tree in a special place
- Own a pair of Uggs
- Visit a real castle
- GO on a road trip in a RV
- Watch a drive in movie with the kids
- "run" a marathon
- Take bible classes
- Organize a holiday event at a nursing home
- Learn to play guitar
- Visit my friends in Colorado
- Go without a hospitalization
- Take family trip to Atlantis
- Go on a Disney Cruise (my ultimate wish)
Now, I know these are not all realistic but Ive found when I don't have any dreams or goals then none of it happens, but when I have it on paper ( I have a paper copy) then some of it comes true! That's how great God is!!
Whats one thing on your bucket list?
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